RAMBLE

I wannabe.

The one you turn to when your skies turn gray.

I wannabe.

That ray of light that gives you a glimpse of hope.

I wannabe.

The friend you thought you could've never made.

I wannabe.

The best I can be.

I wannabe.

The person who changed your life around.

I wannabe.

The person who isn't like an open book, but the one who takes time to have the plot unveiled.

I wannabe.

The person who never judged you, but the hand that held you throughout it all.

I wannabe.

The person you loved like no other.

I wannabe.

The lyrical inspiration you need when you feel like giving up.

I wanna be.

The person you grow old with throughout the years.

I wannabe. everything. anything significant.

DAMMIT. time flies. and every year around this time serves as a reminder that time is passing us by. not always in a bad sense. people graduate and it serves as another stepping stone to those who are graduating. whether it be in elementary, middle, high school. college. etc. and every year, there's another new batch of people in the same place. but then what follows afterwards...

you can spend your whole life pursuing an endless life's worth of education and you will never be able to know everything. knowledge is endless. so where does that leave us. we're stuck in a system where education is worth well. not nothing. but definitely not everything. look at actors. singers. celebrities. models. living proof that education doesn't necessarily generate the highest income. so then WHY do so many people bother to go to schools to attain a HIGHER education where the system is putting them in DEBT rather than helping them become more socially mobile. HAH. anyways. this blog isn't going to go anywhere. this is just endless rambling so i'll just cut it here. there's just so many more other things to life than just the sole purpose of getting 4.0+.

Time is definitely limited. spend it wisely.

MISUNDERSTOOD

I'm noticing lately that a lot of the things I do and say are being misinterpreted in all sort of ways.  In a nutshell, I'm misunderstood. I don't understand how the smallest of my actions or the minimal number of words I say can be subjugated to much misconception.  The things I say or the things I do should not be conceived in any ill manner, but I guess they are.

So let me clarify this. I am not an ill hearted person with any hidden intentions to harm or lie to anyone. I may joke around and take things too far, but when it comes to it, I'll definitely be the one to let you know it was just a joke.  There is no agenda behind the things I say or do unless I specifically say otherwise.  The things I say and do are pretty straightforward, I don't like beating around the bush, nor do I appreciate people taking less than direct approaches with me. I'm an opinionated person and I stick by my code of ethics and morals. If I don't think something is right, you better believe I'll be the one to let you know. Some people may find that rude or inconsiderate, but I truly believe honesty is the best policy. If I'm doing something wrong, I'd like to know so I can change. I hate being lied to, so I wouldn't lie to anyone else either. If the things I say are being taken in an offensive way, then there must be a misunderstanding because I'm not TRYING to hurt anyone's feelings or have the intention to come off like I'm hiding something. I'm more than cautious of how I handle situations. Sure, every now and then I slip due to anger, frustration, and all that negative connotative emotions, but hey, we're all human and we are liable to make mistakes, least I can own up to the things I do, reflect, and be apologetic.

Damn. Cut me some slack. I'm not out to do ANYTHING. I'm just trying to be me and sometimes that may mean I do or say certain things I wish I could take back. Unfortunately, the world doesn't function like that. The best I can do is apologize for any current misunderstandings, learn from it, and move on. 

HURT.

I've been seriously putting some major thought into this... Of all the things that could hurt in this world, physically, emotionally, and mentally... I really think that emotional hurt is the one that does the most damage.  In retrospect, physical and mental pain lasts momentarily and at one point or another, the pain becomes numb or one grows accustom to the pain or the pain really does slowly dissipate.  

However, something emotionally traumatizing and emotionally hurtful can last for a lifetime.  One can often wonder how emotional baggage from one's childhood can haunt a person even as they're entering their prime years in adulthood.  This type of hurt sticks with a person for years, decades, and maybe unfortunately, a lifetime.  Who can honestly say that they can't remember their first love? The first time you got your heart broken?  Things like this don't just fade away.  Time does ease the pain and maybe the memories aren't like loud sirens blaring anymore, but surely they're still there hidden in some old dusty chest ready to be reopened when your heart gets broken again or when simply life takes its toll and stroll down to memory lane is the only thing that can bring back some sense of familiarity into your life.

Who knows. But I for one, really have realized that my actions and words can do a lot of damage when I'm angry.  I say a lot of things I don't mean and I commit inconsiderate acts with or without the intention to show my anger and hurt.  However, it's really hit me recently that once something is done or once those words are said, there is really NO way to take em back.  Sadly, life is NOT like a chalkboard where a mistake can be erased with ease.  I'm beginning to think that life is like a Sharpie on a whiteboard.  Once you write something, it's staying there for a good chunk of time.  As hard as you may to try and erase those marks, it'll take a long time, and despite all that effort, other people will still be able to see those previous marks. 

It's so easy to come up with times where someone has said something hurtful about you.  In fact, it comes with too much ease to locate the time and place and the face that called you names or said something derogatory.  Yet, how many of us can pinpoint the exact times someone paid us a compliment.  It's just so much easier to come up with the negative than to reflect on the positive.  I definitely don't want to be remembered by someone as the girl who spewed nothing, but insults.  Besides, lately within the past few weeks, I have endured too much and experienced too much of all this negativity and hurtful things being said. It's definitely something anyone or I should be dealing with.

I once heard of a phrase that made so much sense.  It goes something like this:

There is already so much hurt going on in this world. Why do we feel compel to add more hurt to someone else's life.  Sometimes an act of kindness or a good deed can go a long way and you never know whose life you may have changed or impacted with such a small gesture.

Isn't that the truth though? I know it's a lot easier said than done, but it's worth giving the effort. I can't say I'm going to be saintly from now because I can not be remotely anywhere near that, but the best I can do is try so that people who I do come in contact with can feel like they can always come to me regardless of their situation. :) that's all. life lesson 101 from my end of the spectrum as I'm contemplating on how to wrap up my policy paper that's been way long overdue.