recently

I'm glad I'm following through with this whole process. If I hadn't followed through with this I wouldn't have met 11 other girls whom I've really grown to care and love for. The thought of growing close to 11 strangers within a period of 2 months is very ridiculous. But through the good and bad times, we've learned to persevere and endure everything that has come along with this process. We've tested our own limits and done things that exceeded our own expectations. These strangers that I sat in the same room with utter and awkward silence during rush week are the same girls that I look and turn to when I need someone to talk to or someone to listen. Everything that we have been put through and will be put through, we've come to realize that surely one day from now, we will look back on it and laugh. Sure, right now, things may prove to be difficult and at times we really question ourselves if this is what we really want, but we've learn to rely on each other for support. We sit and joke around, and at the mention of things we have had to be put through, we laugh now. It's going to be the same for the coming week, it'll be tough, but when we look back on it after it's all been said and done, it'll definitely be in the books for memories.

When one of us feels like giving up, just remember that we're all in the same boat and because you personally don't and wouldn't want any of us to fail, you'll see it through with the rest of us to the end to ensure that we ALL succeed. :) love you girls.

On a side note, the type of bond we have is very similar to a relationship. We go through a bunch of shit and sometimes we just feel like giving up because we're just tired of the shit we gotta go through and we don't want to do it anymore and we question why we even bother. But the things we have already been through and the good times we have together prevails and we realize that it's worth staying for because we've come this far and nothing else can compare to what we've been through. Expressing how you feel and bearing no resentment because you really care and know the other person feels the same and want things to be better, just like the POW WOW session we had, will lead to better outcomes. If we hadn't really expressed why and what we disliked about the other and thought needed improvement on, we would've never all gotten along better and grown to be as close as we are now. We didn't do it because we feel like everything's gonna be all rainbows and butterflies in the end, but because we've built upon and worked on something worth while through time and we see that compromising moves us along to see better days, rather than walking away. If we had just kept quiet about the way we felt, then nothing would've gotten better because the other person wouldn't know. So i figured, someone who doesn't feel like being a part of my life shouldn't be allowed to be a part of my life anyways because it'll be better that way. I'll surround myself with people whom I care about whom i know cares about me as well. It'll only work if the feelings are mutual. Just like friendships and relationships, it is what you make of it and you can only depend on the other to put in so much work, it has to be mutual in order for things to get better.

LIFE

As many curve balls as life throws at us, as many times as things may seem to never go your way, as many times as you have lost a loved one, as many times as the person / people you may have cared about hurt you, as many heartbreaks there is...

Know that you're not alone because of the billions of people in this world, someone out there is definitely hurting more than you, someone definitely has it worst than you.

But through all these tribulations, it serves to teach you to become a stronger person, a BETTER person than what you were or than who hurt you.

I've been really thinking a lot. The phrase that revenge is sweet is sickening. There is nothing sweet about revenge. WHY would you even want to inflict the same type of harm and pain on someone else when you've experienced it yourself first hand. Sure, they may deserve it, but let karma take care of that. YOU do YOU and keep pushing. Plus, it's definitely not worth your time.

Always, live, love, laugh, and learn because life's too short to be dwelling on anything that hurts. Yesterday may have been tough, today may hurt, but tomorrow would definitely be better with a slightly altered perspective.

RAMBLE

I wannabe.

The one you turn to when your skies turn gray.

I wannabe.

That ray of light that gives you a glimpse of hope.

I wannabe.

The friend you thought you could've never made.

I wannabe.

The best I can be.

I wannabe.

The person who changed your life around.

I wannabe.

The person who isn't like an open book, but the one who takes time to have the plot unveiled.

I wannabe.

The person who never judged you, but the hand that held you throughout it all.

I wannabe.

The person you loved like no other.

I wannabe.

The lyrical inspiration you need when you feel like giving up.

I wanna be.

The person you grow old with throughout the years.

I wannabe. everything. anything significant.

DAMMIT. time flies. and every year around this time serves as a reminder that time is passing us by. not always in a bad sense. people graduate and it serves as another stepping stone to those who are graduating. whether it be in elementary, middle, high school. college. etc. and every year, there's another new batch of people in the same place. but then what follows afterwards...

you can spend your whole life pursuing an endless life's worth of education and you will never be able to know everything. knowledge is endless. so where does that leave us. we're stuck in a system where education is worth well. not nothing. but definitely not everything. look at actors. singers. celebrities. models. living proof that education doesn't necessarily generate the highest income. so then WHY do so many people bother to go to schools to attain a HIGHER education where the system is putting them in DEBT rather than helping them become more socially mobile. HAH. anyways. this blog isn't going to go anywhere. this is just endless rambling so i'll just cut it here. there's just so many more other things to life than just the sole purpose of getting 4.0+.

Time is definitely limited. spend it wisely.

MISUNDERSTOOD

I'm noticing lately that a lot of the things I do and say are being misinterpreted in all sort of ways.  In a nutshell, I'm misunderstood. I don't understand how the smallest of my actions or the minimal number of words I say can be subjugated to much misconception.  The things I say or the things I do should not be conceived in any ill manner, but I guess they are.

So let me clarify this. I am not an ill hearted person with any hidden intentions to harm or lie to anyone. I may joke around and take things too far, but when it comes to it, I'll definitely be the one to let you know it was just a joke.  There is no agenda behind the things I say or do unless I specifically say otherwise.  The things I say and do are pretty straightforward, I don't like beating around the bush, nor do I appreciate people taking less than direct approaches with me. I'm an opinionated person and I stick by my code of ethics and morals. If I don't think something is right, you better believe I'll be the one to let you know. Some people may find that rude or inconsiderate, but I truly believe honesty is the best policy. If I'm doing something wrong, I'd like to know so I can change. I hate being lied to, so I wouldn't lie to anyone else either. If the things I say are being taken in an offensive way, then there must be a misunderstanding because I'm not TRYING to hurt anyone's feelings or have the intention to come off like I'm hiding something. I'm more than cautious of how I handle situations. Sure, every now and then I slip due to anger, frustration, and all that negative connotative emotions, but hey, we're all human and we are liable to make mistakes, least I can own up to the things I do, reflect, and be apologetic.

Damn. Cut me some slack. I'm not out to do ANYTHING. I'm just trying to be me and sometimes that may mean I do or say certain things I wish I could take back. Unfortunately, the world doesn't function like that. The best I can do is apologize for any current misunderstandings, learn from it, and move on. 

HURT.

I've been seriously putting some major thought into this... Of all the things that could hurt in this world, physically, emotionally, and mentally... I really think that emotional hurt is the one that does the most damage.  In retrospect, physical and mental pain lasts momentarily and at one point or another, the pain becomes numb or one grows accustom to the pain or the pain really does slowly dissipate.  

However, something emotionally traumatizing and emotionally hurtful can last for a lifetime.  One can often wonder how emotional baggage from one's childhood can haunt a person even as they're entering their prime years in adulthood.  This type of hurt sticks with a person for years, decades, and maybe unfortunately, a lifetime.  Who can honestly say that they can't remember their first love? The first time you got your heart broken?  Things like this don't just fade away.  Time does ease the pain and maybe the memories aren't like loud sirens blaring anymore, but surely they're still there hidden in some old dusty chest ready to be reopened when your heart gets broken again or when simply life takes its toll and stroll down to memory lane is the only thing that can bring back some sense of familiarity into your life.

Who knows. But I for one, really have realized that my actions and words can do a lot of damage when I'm angry.  I say a lot of things I don't mean and I commit inconsiderate acts with or without the intention to show my anger and hurt.  However, it's really hit me recently that once something is done or once those words are said, there is really NO way to take em back.  Sadly, life is NOT like a chalkboard where a mistake can be erased with ease.  I'm beginning to think that life is like a Sharpie on a whiteboard.  Once you write something, it's staying there for a good chunk of time.  As hard as you may to try and erase those marks, it'll take a long time, and despite all that effort, other people will still be able to see those previous marks. 

It's so easy to come up with times where someone has said something hurtful about you.  In fact, it comes with too much ease to locate the time and place and the face that called you names or said something derogatory.  Yet, how many of us can pinpoint the exact times someone paid us a compliment.  It's just so much easier to come up with the negative than to reflect on the positive.  I definitely don't want to be remembered by someone as the girl who spewed nothing, but insults.  Besides, lately within the past few weeks, I have endured too much and experienced too much of all this negativity and hurtful things being said. It's definitely something anyone or I should be dealing with.

I once heard of a phrase that made so much sense.  It goes something like this:

There is already so much hurt going on in this world. Why do we feel compel to add more hurt to someone else's life.  Sometimes an act of kindness or a good deed can go a long way and you never know whose life you may have changed or impacted with such a small gesture.

Isn't that the truth though? I know it's a lot easier said than done, but it's worth giving the effort. I can't say I'm going to be saintly from now because I can not be remotely anywhere near that, but the best I can do is try so that people who I do come in contact with can feel like they can always come to me regardless of their situation. :) that's all. life lesson 101 from my end of the spectrum as I'm contemplating on how to wrap up my policy paper that's been way long overdue.  

TRUST

"It takes a second to destroy trust, but a lifetime to build"

I actually really don't know how much I can agree with this.  It really doesn't take a lifetime in order to have trust between two people.  It's possible to have known someone for a short while and completely trust them.  It's the way they carry them self, the decisions they make, things they do and choices they make that'll affect you. The past is usually a strong indicator of how trustworthy someone is,too.  Not saying that the past should dictate who or how the person is, but in some instances, people just don't change, or they just aren't capable of changing because they really don't want to. Sometimes.  Putting all this into consideration, I think you can determine how much you can trust someone without having to have known them for a lifetime.

As for trust taking a second to destroy, I honestly believe that if there was a strong sense of trust to begin with, there isn't any way to really destroy it in a matter of second(s).  It's a process of active engagement that obliterates any sense of trust a person may have had or has. It would have definitely taken more than a second for someone to continuously make a series of mistake that could ruin any trust.  There must have been a perpetual cycle or an ongoing issue one was unaware of in order to lose trust in someone.

Anyways, I think after the trust is broken, it takes a while to repair. It just takes time.

NO publicity is BAD publicity :)

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway." --Mother Teresa

This has been my favorite quote since high school because it retains much truth in so many ways. No matter what you say or do, there will always be someone else out there who has something to say about it or an opinion formulated that sheds negative light upon the situation.  There will always be someone out there trying to bring you down and do what they can to prevent you from whatever it is.  Knowing this, you should do what it is that PLEASES you. Do what makes you happy. Let the haters talk. There's always going to be someone talking anyways, so instead of trying to do things to please other people or gain their approval, do what your heart tells you to do.

It took me all throughout high school and some of college to actually put this into action. I hate it when people talk about me or mention me because what i do really shouldn't be the subject of anyone else' conversation.  It really wasn't until recently when a certain situation ran its course and then became out of hand... that made me realize, as much as I tried to stay away from any gossip, I still ended up being talked about. It definitely wasn't in a good way either.  No matter how much I tried to keep my personal life out of any "limelight" it just so happens people will eventually find out anyway.  All in all, after all the hurt and embarrassment, I definitely realized that people will always be talking. At the end of the day, shying away from the truth isn't going to stop people from talking. Nor will my denial justify the situation.  In the end, I think I made the right choice.  Well, I don't know if it's RIGHT per se.. yet, but I know I followed my heart and I did what I would've wanted to be done for me.  Second chances are always good to have because everyone makes mistakes and deserve to be forgiven or at least the chance to learn from their mistakes so they can improve to become a better person. So coming to terms with that, being talked about isn't too bad... after all, no publicity is BAD publicity...just TOO much publicity can make the audience weary. so lets try to put a limit on it HATERs. :)